Jay Leonhart


It's impossible to sing and play the bass

Let me tell you some thing as we start the show
It's a little some thing I thought you should know
So I will tell you as we settle in to place
It's impossible to sing and play the bass
You're a lovely group of people you deserve the courtesy
Of knowing what you can expect of me
I have practiced but it will not mean a thing 'cause
It's impossible to play the bass and sing
You see the bass is fretless it's not like a guitar
On bass you spend your whole life wondering where the
hell you are
It's got no little markers just a finger board so bare
And lots of notes that often are not there
Then when you start singing you've got lyrics on your mind
And the notes on bass become impossible to find
To remember lyrics melodies bass lines and chords
Is no less a miracle than Lourdes
So as I make a thousand errors sit there and be kind
Do not throw tomatoes at me keep this all in mind
Remember this is serious remember this is art
Remember this or I will fall apart
Then I'd have to pray to God to come and intercede
And she'd only sit and laugh at my wanton greed
She made the rules for molecules atoms time and space
And she knows it's impossible to sing and play the bass

Bass Aboard a Plane

If you really want to cause a problem
If you really real-y want to cause some pain
Then simply go down to your local air-port
And try to put a bass aboard a plane
The trouble starts when you approach the terminal
You won't find a skycap any where
'cause once they see the giant case in which you've
packed your massive bass
They disappear into thin air
So by yourself you lug it to the terminal
You let out a big sigh of relief
The ticket lady looks at you in horror
She stares at you in disbelief
She says you're not going to put that on an airplane
It's just too large it's just too big
So you smile but she does not think you're funny
To her you're just another sexist pig
She gets angry and calls her supervisor
Who sees the bass and goes into a swoon
And the ticket they decide on for theplane you want to ride on costs you
More than a ticket to the moon
And nowadays we must deal with security
They see the bass, they start to drool
They want to give the bass a colonoscopy
You struggle to be cool
But this is not the time for getting angry
This is not the time to cause a scene
This is when you must turn into Ghandi
Calm and placid and serene
Better yet be Obi Wan Kannobi
Use the force to get them in to line
Tell 'em "do not worry 'bout the bass it will be no problem
Let the bass pass through it will be fine"
If you really really want to cause a problem
If you really really want to cause some pain
Simply go down to your lo-cal airport and
Try to put a bass aboard a plane

Me and Lenny

Take my seat aboard a plane and what is this I see?
Leonard Bernstein comes aboard and sits right next to me
First class New York to LA some things just work out right
I’ll be sitting next to Leonard Bernstein this whole flight
Maybe I should just act like I do not recognize him
Be real cool and do my best not to antagonize him
Now we're rollin' down the runway next stop is L A
I'm nonchalant like I ride next to Lenny every day

Naturally I turn to him against my own advice
Introduce myself and find that Lenny's very nice
Soon we start to chat and drink and talk about our lives
We talk about our children and our wives
But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA

Soon we're chatting drinking talking like the best of pals
Talking music life and art death and root canals
Now he's interrupting me but really that's O K
'cause he's a lovely fellow and he's got a lot to say
I recite some songs I wrote he recites them back
For poetry and music he seems to have a knack
He tells me that his new show closed and now he's feeling beat
And he's not used to dealing with defeat
But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA

He does the London Times crossword ten minutes and he's through
He does the puzzle with his pen I do not have a clue
What an intellectual but what a friendly guy
We talk about the world below as we sail through the sky
Finally I feel the airplane starting to descend
And I know this lovely day is coming to an end
Put our trays and seat backs up just like you're 'sposed to do
Land and bid my friend a fond adieux

But what a lovely fellow what a lucky day
Me and Lenny side by side New York to LA
What a lovely fellow though really I must say
I've not heard from Lenny since I left him in LA
Not a blessed word from Lenny since I
Left him in LA

Missin’ RB Blues

He meant the world to me
His spirit set me free
And I’ll be walkin’ long and suddenly I
Really start to miss RB.

I miss that big warm smile
Ain’t seen it for a while
But in my heart it seems to stay and
I hope that it will never fade away

Some people touch you so
I know I know you know
And every now and then I clearly see
How much I really miss RB

For Real

I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me
Once I was fancy free but now you've captured me
What is this thing about you why can't I live without you
I wonder if I shouldn't try to just forget about you
But that is not about to be I see I'll simply have to
Suffer the consequences I let down my defenses
How could this ever happen
Somehow you caught me nappin'
And this time I know it's for real
Maybe I should run away to some exotic island and stay
Far away as I can from the flame
Sit and gaze into the ocean 'til I lose the crazy notion
That we two could ever be the same
I guess it's plain to see that something's coming over me
No better explanation It's not infatuation
Hear what I'm sayin' baby no question and no maybe
This time I know it's for real

Louie Bellson

Hear the pretty music see the people dancin'
It's Louie Bellson's band up on the stage
Music great for dancin', singin', and romancin'
But tonight the fox trot is the rage
Suddenly a grouchy man with silver hair comes to the stand
And fires off a warning cannon
He says he's a big contributor to this affair
And he wants us to play like Lester Lanin
This guy don't know from Louie Bellson and he could care less
And he proceeds to make this solemn vow
He knows what we are being paid and all of it will be mislaid
Unless we play some Lester Lanin now
At these kind of dances the people take no chances
It's Lester Lanin music all the way
They don't think it's funny when they've paid a lot of money
To have to swing when they would rather sway
You see Lester Lanin's music is country clubs and yellow pants
Ties with ducks and loafers with no sox
Louie Bellson's mus-c is for jazz freaks bums and beatniks
Louie Bellson's music is the pox!
Lester Lanin's music is oldsmobiles and riding lessons
Strings of pearls and patent leather pumps
Louie Bellson's music is chewing gum and Seagram's Seven
The kind of music that you find in dumps you find in dumps!
Play some real dance music screams the man with silver hair
He is so bugged that he could snap
He says I don't care who I don't care how you better play my mus-ic now
'cause I can't dance a fox-trot to this crap
He walks away returns smolders burns
Finally says “hey listen to me Bellson
Heads are gonna roll 'round here unless you play my music
Try to understand me well son
So Louie nods and then proceeds to play a long drum solo
Loud and long just like he was deranged
I guess he figured if the man had paid to be unhappy
He should not be short changed
So the guy comes back but Louie stops him in his track
Louie says you better listen to me well son
Louie says I'm sorry you are so upset it fills me up with deep regret
I'm sorry you're so discontent about the money you have spent
I'm sorry you blew all that loot but listen to me you old coot
Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bell-son
That's L-O-U-I-E B-E-L-L-son
Tonight you're gonna dance to Louie Bellson

Let The Flower Grow

Don't take a boy and turn him into a soldier
Don't teach a boy how to kill
Don't take a boy and teach him to be tough
He will learn that soon enough
Yes he will

Don't take a boy and bury his feelings
Buried feelings will not make a man
Don't take a boy and teach him life's dirty dealings
Take a Boy hold him tight while you can

Yes let the flower grow and the man that you will know
Will have the strength of which you dream
And some day he'll be grown with a mind all his own
Thinking thoughts that run clear and thoughts that run beautiful
Like a clear crystal stream

My Bluebird

Over there see the Bluebird
He's my friend a true blue bird
He will give me the good word
All the good news that he's heard
About you yes it's true
So much to tell me
Then he flies into the sky
Where he goes nobody knows
He won't say just flies away
Then returns early each day
He's my friend he's my Bluebird
Come and tell me what's new bird
Where'd you go what'd you do bird?
Tell me her love is true bird
Whisper near in my ear give me the good news

Beat My Dog

You beat my dog you eat my frog
You drink up all my gin
You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon
And you never tell me where you been
I buy you clothes I fix your nose
I steal you ruby rings
You break the rules you pee in pools
You do outrageous things

Woman, I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman
Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you woman
You take my car you drive so far
Come back with the tank on E
Your hair all messed and you half dressed
And you just look at me
You('re) out all night you come home tight
You fall down on my bed
There you lay for all the next day
For all I know you dead

Woman I lie I cheat I steal I die for you, woman
Woman I'd lay down my life and die for you, woman

Now listen friend this has got to end
We got to have ourselves a talk
Things got to change got to rearrange
Or somebody gonna take a walk

Now I ain't one to put down fun
But this time you've gone too far
You smoke my hash you spend my cash
Who the hell you think you are

You beat my dog you eat my frog
You drink up all my gin
You bay at the moon you sleep 'til noon
And you never tell me where you been
I don't know why I even try
To change the status quo
'cause you break the rules you pee in pools
And still I love you so pretty baby
Still I love you so


At first I thought I knew what I was doing
Then I found out I was wrong
In spite of what I thought was right
The world has shown me otherwise
And so I wrote this little song
For you see I always thought the word was nuclear
As in nuclear power, nuclear generation
But now I find the word is really nukular
Yes nukular is the proper pronunciation
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Say it and you'll quickly come to love it
Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Show the world you're stupid and proud of it

Nukular has two u sounds that roll right off the tongue
Nukular is macho it's athletic
But nuclear is feminine it's weak it’s far too gentle
Nuclear is passive it’s pathetic
Nuclear is complicated it sounds suspiciously like french
It's just too meek and humble
Nukular is powerful it has a certain jen ne cest pas
That says it's rough and ready to rumble
Yes it's nukular nukular and while it may seem peculular
Now I say it with no fear
But how the pronunciation went from nuclear to nukular
Still remains unkular

OK perhaps I'm being nasty
Being ugly and only getting ugular
But with the dumbing down of America today
I feel the urge to go right for the jugliar
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Any other way is just too taxing
Nukular nukular it rolls right off the tongue
With nukular the uvula's re-lax-ing
Yes it's nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Say it and you'll quickly come to love it
Nukular nukular n-u-k-u-l-a-r
Show the world you're stupid
Really really stupid
Show the world you're stupid and proud of it

Robert Frost

robert frost did write in settings beautiful and rustic
he wrote of rolling hills and green terrain
while poor me I must do my writing in the chaos of the city
sometimes even on a subway train
how am I to ever learn about the woodlands and the falling
leaves of autumn and such things sublime
when I must spend all of my time truckin' ‘round this dirty city
doin’ what I can to earn a dime

how did robert frost make payments on that little country house of
his where did he get the dough?
could he go down to the country store and sell a poem saying
here's a nice one I wrote about the snow
surely now he must have had a sponsor of some sort
perhaps a lady friend who simply rolled in bread
a lady friend to say now bob why don't you take a long long walk
and write whatever pops into your head

she say bobby don't you worry 'bout the mortgage
bobby don't you worry 'bout the bills
bobby why don't you go write a poem 'bout the fences
'bout the neighbors and the rolling hills

bobby don't you worry 'bout the dishes
bobby do not touch those pans
bobby now it is not good than an artist like yourself should be
walkin round this world with dishpan hands

so you see old bob was free to follow through his fancies
wander through the woods behind the muse
boy if I had bobby's life I could follow through my fancies
oh to be in bobby's shoes
boy if I had bobby's life I could be a hero
go out and find my fortune and my fame
but the only trouble is I hear from people who have found it is that
every thing in life stays just the same
just the same

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